Related:

• I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Marta said I don't seem to like to read fiction very much.
  I guess you're not an `afictionado'," she said....
• It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait.
  Not me, you. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I bet for an Indian, shooting a old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...