Related:

• I never know what to get my father for his birthday.
  I gave him a hundred dollars and said, "Buy yourself something that will make your life easier....
• Homer: ...and his _wife_ comes through the door! Ba
  [bored] So? Homer: Did I mention that she was dead?...
• What they said: What they meant: "You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you.
  (We certainly never succeeded.) There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him....
• The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing.
  The patient put it in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled....
• Bart: Why, hello, Mrs. Bush! Barbara: Hi, Bart! Mr.
  Bush is upstairs napping. Bart: You know, your husband's awful grumpy....
• Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail
  And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail, And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool, He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!...
• They go to an all-night emergency waiting room run by Dr.
  Nick, they ask Smithers if they can go ahead of him....
• Bart: Mom, what if there's a really bad crummy guy who's going to jail but I know he's innocent?
  Marge: Well, Bart, your uncle Arthur used to have a saying...
• Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tige
  GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him...