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• Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
  -- Rita Rudne...
• My wife--God bless her--was in labor for thirty-two hours.
  And I was faithful to her the entire time. -- Jonathan Katz...
• My parents want me to get married. They don't care who anymore, as long as he doesn't have a pierced ear, that's all they care about.
  I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage....
• Homer: So anywho, last night we're playing poker, right?
  As usual, I'm winning and not realizing it, and Lenny says that I'm, er -- [laughs] -- get this -- [laughs] -- a little slow!...
• As ... the sovereign has no further need for my services this evening, she suggested I might spend some time with you.
  What a charming suggestion. She...appreciates the....
• If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you.
  I want to have children ..."--they leave skid marks. -- Rita Rudne...
• Martin: Can you let me have it for forty dollars? Deale
  Forty bucks? You made me get off my stool for that?...
• I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within SIX AND A HALF HOURS!
  !! -- Zippy the Pinhead...
• Juries scare me. I don't want to put my fate in the hands of twelve people who weren't even smart enough to get out of jury duty.
  -- Monica Pipe...