Related:

• I(ve) B(een) M(islead)
• This Thanksgiving is gonna be a special one. My mom says I don't have to sit at the card table.
  -- Jim Samuel...
• When I 'm not thank'd at all, I 'm thank'd enough; I 've done my duty, and I 've done no more.
  -- Henry Fielding (1707-1754) -- Tom Thumb the Great, Act i, Sc. 3...
• I've gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her.
  -- New York City detective...
• You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
  -- Jim Samuels to a heckler Ah, yes. I remember my first beer....
• I need some new taglines. This one is getting old.
• Guru Saj: You must be Ross. Ross: Hi. Guru Saj: I am Guru Saj.
  (takes the drawer back and replaces) Ross: Listen, I got to tell you I_ve-I_ve never been to a guru before, so....
• When I bought some new glasses a few months ago, the lady kept on saying how great the lenses were that I was getting.
  She kept on saying, ``You can shoot a bullet right through them....
• Krusty: Hey, kids! It's story time. [laughs] I'm going to tell you the story of Krusty's expensive new sui
  his sexual harassment suit. [laughs painfully] Boy....