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• She (to passing man): Excuse me, do you have the time?
  He: Do you have the energy? What is your favorite position on extramarital sex?...
• Embarrassing moments The following are the top three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in New Woman Magazine.
  1)"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok....
• On a local radio station the Mental Health Association had this message
  "Does someone in your family suffer from schizoid?...
• Ten Rules for dating my daughter. Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
  Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me....
• Writing Contest FROM AN ACTUAL NEWSPAPER CONTEST WHERE ENTRANTS AGE 4 TO 15 WERE ASKED TO IMITATE "DEEP THOUGHTS BY JACK HANDEY
  My young brother asked me what happens after we die....
• Church Humor Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed
  "The Gate of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read...
• Dad's Words of Wisdom Don't ask me, ask your mother.
  Were you raised in a barn? Close the door. You didn't beat me....
• Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley who lived inside a famous movie actor.
  Stanley was a very healthy sperm. He'd do pushups and somersaults and limber himself up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around on their fat asses not doing a thing....
• The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out.
  Says, "Go and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals....