Barbie's Letter To Santa: Dear Santa, Listen You Cheery Old Ma

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Barbie's Letter To Santa:
Dear Santa,
Listen you cheery old man, I've been saving your butt every year, being the
perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and
dressing in fake fur at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa,
but it's payback time. There had better be some changes around here, or I'm
gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don't wanna be
around to smell it. These are my demands for Christmas 1999:
1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a slut
in a hot pink bikini. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon
and velcro up your behind? I don't suppose you do.
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded
underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to get him, bring
me GI JOE. Heck, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a
boytoy, Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway? HELLO!?!
4. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me arms that
actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is
anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said.
6. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher make real money.
7. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a pint of
cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.
8. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl
9. Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years - I think I deserve a piece of
the action.
Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I think these
demands are reasonable. If you don't like it, you can find yourself a new
chick for next Christmas. It's that simple.
As ever, .......Barbie