c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA
November 7, 1997
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every
year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy
bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from
one too many
tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya, Santa, but IT'S
DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm
gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't
wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1997,
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much
smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what
it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably
white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD
imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo
over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. If I'm gonna have to
suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned
Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have
to twist, just get it done.
6. A jogbra to wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut
it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public
relations senior account exec!
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with
a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream
and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint
gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and
handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable
Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I
deserve it. Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution
to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you
disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...