Cheer Up... Here's Your Horrorscope
AQUARIUS: January 20 - February 18
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You
lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and
impractical, which causes you to make the same mistake over and over again.
People think you are stupid.
PISCES: February 19 - March 20
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by
the CIA or FBI. You have a minor influence over your associates and people
resent you for flaunting it at peers. You lack confidence and are generally
a coward. Pisces people do horrible things to small animals.
ARIES: March 21 - April 19
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
quick-tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.
TAURUS: April 20 - May 20
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and
work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are
a communist.
GEMINI: May 21 - June 20
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you
are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little.
This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.
CANCER June 21 - July 22
You are sympathetic and understanding toward other people's problems.
They think you are a sucker. You're always putting things off. That's why
you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancers.
LEO: July 23 - August 22
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most
Leos are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance
is disgusting. Leos are known thieves.
VIRGO: August 23 - September 22
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is
sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall
asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
LIBRA: September 23 - October 22
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality.
Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women make
good prostitutes. All Libra die of veneral disease.
SCORPIO: October 23 - November 21
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You achieve the
pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpios are
murdered.
SAGITARIUS: November 22 - December 21
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendancy to
rely on luck, since you lack talent. The majority of Sagitarians are drunks
or dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal.
CAPRICORN: December 23 - January 19
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of
anything and are lazy. There has never been born a Capricorn of any importance.
Capricorns should avoid standing still too long, as they tend to root.
AQUARIUS: January 20 - February 18
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You
lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and
impractical, which causes you to make the same mistake over and over again.
People think you are stupid.
PISCES: February 19 - March 20
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by
the CIA or FBI. You have a minor influence over your associates and people
resent you for flaunting it at peers. You lack confidence and are generally
a coward. Pisces people do horrible things to small animals.
ARIES: March 21 - April 19
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
quick-tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.
TAURUS: April 20 - May 20
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and
work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are
a communist.
GEMINI: May 21 - June 20
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you
are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little.
This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.
CANCER June 21 - July 22
You are sympathetic and understanding toward other people's problems.
They think you are a sucker. You're always putting things off. That's why
you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancers.
LEO: July 23 - August 22
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most
Leos are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance
is disgusting. Leos are known thieves.
VIRGO: August 23 - September 22
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is
sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall
asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
LIBRA: September 23 - October 22
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality.
Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women make
good prostitutes. All Libra die of veneral disease.
SCORPIO: October 23 - November 21
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You achieve the
pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpios are
murdered.
SAGITARIUS: November 22 - December 21
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendancy to
rely on luck, since you lack talent. The majority of Sagitarians are drunks
or dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal.
CAPRICORN: December 23 - January 19
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of
anything and are lazy. There has never been born a Capricorn of any importance.
Capricorns should avoid standing still too long, as they tend to root.
Related:
- The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out.
Says, "Go and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals.... - CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems.
They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off.... - LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader.
Oth think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies.... - PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by
the CIA or FBI.
You have minor influence over your associates and people resent your flaunting of your power.... - GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker.
People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little.... - LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality.
If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent.... - SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.
You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics.... - AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again.... - TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent.
You have a dogged determination and work like hell....
