Related:

• EXCUSES ACTUALLY RECEIVED BY SCHOOLS VIA NOTES FROM HOME (This was posted at work.
  I do not know the author/editor. Sorry) * Dear school...
• Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust.
• TOP 118 REASONS WHY IT'S ACCEPTABLE TO DATE A NERD 1) His shoelaces are hardly ever untied 2) Doesn't pick his nose in public 3) Has never put a red shirt in with the whites 4) Was not directly responsible for the Holocaust 5) When getting off an elevator at a 20+ story building
  he doesn't push all the buttons so everyone has to stop at every floor 6) Elvis is dead and Bob Saget is married...
• THE DARWIN AWARDS Date: December,1997 The Darwin Award is made each year to the person who has managed to kill themselves (and therefore prevent the survival of their genes - hence Darwin!
  ) in the most bizarre way imaginable. Previous winners have included the man killed when the vending machine he was trying to extract a can of Coke from fell on him, and last years aviator who strapped a JATO module (rocket) to his car and lit the blue touchpaper....
• A woman from the south was attending a social gathering up north and tried striking up a conversation .
  .. "Where're you all from?" she asked to a group of ladies....
• OK, you know that in Hollywood, every producer has his "Yes Man" whose job is to follow the producer aroundand say, "Yes, CB", "Right, CB" and so on.
  Well, one of these Yes Men got depressed, so down in fact that he was unable to function....
• Your Mother wears combat boots! Your Mother Swims after troop ships!
  Your brother Blows boy scouts! A classic one... that is off-colour!...
• Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.