Related:

• click) "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System.
  Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use....
• You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment.
  However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order....
• beep, beep, beep> The number you have reached, Seven.
  Six. Seven. One. Two. Three. Four. [Use your number here....
• One voice: I didn't expect an answering machine. Another voice
  Nobody expects an answrering machine. Our chief use is to get your name....
• How about that footage on the news yesterday of our new Commander-in- Chief on the deck of the aircraft carrier (Teddy Roosevelt?
  ).. After throwing one of his snappy salutes (he's *almost* got that down), I half expected him to give the order, "Let's turn this thang around....
• Dead Men Read No Mail My father died on Jan 02, 1995.
  He left no forwarding address. Therefore, it fell to me to collect his mail....
• US Army Official Voice Mail Message Thank you for calling the United States Army.
  I'm sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged....
• I think I have one of these books. It is by George Heyduke (Hayduke?
  ). When I read it, I was practically overcome with mirth....
• POLICIES AND PROCEDURES MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES - NEW COMPANY POLICIES
  SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness....