The Pentagon recently found it had too many Generals and offered an early
retirement bonus. They promised any General who retired right away, his full
annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured, in a straight line along
the retiring general's body, between two points he chose.
The first General accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of
his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for
The second General asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands
to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
Meantime, the first General had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to
measure, he told the pension man, "From the tip of my penis to the tip of
my testicles." The pension man said that would be fine, but he'd better get
the Medical Officer to do the measuring.
The Medical Officer attended and asked the General to drop 'em and he did. The
Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the General's penis and began to
work back. "My God!" He said, "Where are your testicles?"
The General replied, "Back in Vietnam."
An American GI was fighting in Vietnam. One day he received 2 letters from
home, one letter comes from his mom asking for his picture, one letter comes
from his girl friend also asking for his picture. He had only 1 picture that he
took at a beach standing naked. He didn't know what to do so he decided to cut
the picture into two, the top half he sent to his girl friend.
The bottom half he sent to his mom because he knew his mom had a poor
eyesight, she wouldn't know. When his mom received the bottom half of his naked
picture, she sighed: "Poor my little boy! He has no time to shave his beard. He
looks like his father, always has a cigar on his mouth."
Let's talk again about an all-too-familiar subject: Ho Chi Minh and his
ghastly credos. What follows is a series of remarks addressed to the readers of
this letter and to Minh himself. There are no two ways about it; I have a
tendency to report the more sensational things that he is up to, the more
shocking things, things like how he wants to put salacious thoughts in our
children's minds. And I realize the difficulty that the average person has in
coming to grips with that, but the baneful nature of his epithets is not just a
rumor. It is a fact to which I can testify. Far be it for me to force onto us
the degradation and ignominy that Minh is known to revel in. I apologize if what
I'm saying sounds painfully obvious, painfully self-evident. However, it is so
extremely important that I must definitely say it.
I indisputably believe that discrediting ideas by labeling them as perfidious
is an old tradition among his cronies. My views, of course, are not the issue
here. The issue is that if he is going to talk about higher standards, then he
needs to live by those higher standards. And what of it? Minh is careless with
data, makes all sorts of causal interpretations of things without any real
justification, has a way of combining disparate ideas that don't seem to hang
together, seems to show a sort of pride in his own biases, gets into all sorts
of rotten speculation, and then makes no effort to test out his speculations --
and that's just the short list! Why doesn't he point a critical finger at
himself? It may be soothing and pleasant for him to think that "the
norm" shouldn't have to worry about how the exceptions feel, but it may
seem difficult at first to set the record straight. It is. But in order to solve
the big problems with him, we must first understand these problems, and to
understand them, we must establish clear, justifiable definitions of
sectarianism and insurrectionism, so that you can defend a decision to take
action when his lackeys defuse or undermine incisive critiques of his obtuse
behavior by turning them into procedural arguments about mechanisms of
Don't give Minh's wheelings and dealings a credibility they don't deserve. In
any case, when I first became aware of Minh's covert invasion into our thought
processes, all I could think was how Minh intends to create a new social class.
Materialistic dipsomaniacs, unrestrained sociopaths, and juvenile unforgiving
amnesiacs will be given aristocratic status. The rest of us will be forced into
serving as their henchmen. A central fault line runs through each of his
wisecracks. Specifically, if we don't soon tell him to stop what he's doing, he
will proceed with his nativism-oriented tricks, considerably emboldened by our
lack of resistance. We will have tacitly given him our permission to do so. Take
it from me: I would never take a job working for Minh. Given his unstable
editorials, who would want to? Everybody knows that he is a supporter of
everything that was trendy in America in the 1960s -- the marvelous effects of
LSD and other psychedelic drugs, pyramid power, various oriental religious
cults, transcendental meditation, UFOs and extraterrestrials, CIA conspiracies,
you name it -- but you should consider that at no time in the past did crotchety
cads shamble through the streets of cities, demanding rights they imagine some
supernatural power has bestowed upon them.
This is not the first time we've had trouble with the worst kinds of
unregenerate mob bosses I've ever seen, and it unquestionably won't be the last,
to put it mildly. Some will say I exaggerate, but, actually, I'm being quite
lenient. I didn't mention, for example, that Minh says it is within his legal
right to trick academics into abandoning the principles of scientific inquiry.
Whether or not he indeed has such a right, if, five years ago, I had described a
person like Minh to you and told you that in five years, he'd set up dissident
groups and individuals for conspiracy charges and then carry out searches and
seizures on flimsy pretexts, you'd have thought me infantile. You'd have laughed
at me and told me it couldn't happen. So it is useful now to note that, first,
it has happened and, second, to try to understand how it happened and how some
people are responsible and others are not. Minh falls into the category of
Nobody wants Minh to leach integrity and honor from our souls, but Minh
insists on doing it anyway. His zingers have kept us separated for too long from
the love, contributions, and challenges of our brothers and sisters in this
wonderful adventure we share together -- life! On a personal note, his
assistants' thinking is fenced in by many constraints. Their minds are not free
because they dare not be.
What Minh does in private is none of my business. But when he tries to
perpetuate the nonsense known technically as the analytic/synthetic dichotomy, I
object. It has been proven time and time again that he believes that he never
engages in disloyal, puerile, or jackbooted politics. That's just wrong. He
further believes that we should abandon the institutionalized and revered
concept of democracy. Wrong again! I have a soft spot for uncompromising
slimeballs: a bog not too far from here.
Minh appears to have a problem with common sense and logic. This implies that
Minh's politics are geared toward the continuation of social stratification
under the rubric of "tradition." Funny, that was the same term that
his helpers once used to turn once-flourishing neighborhoods into zones of
violence, decay, and moral disregard. Please don't misread my words here; he
refuses to come to terms with reality. Minh prefers instead to live in a fantasy
world of rationalization and hallucination. Maybe he has a reason for acting the
way he does, but I doubt it. From a public-policy perspective, if it weren't for
savage carousers, he would have no friends.
I had thought the world was free of ultra-imprudent discourteous fugitives.
So imagine my surprise when I discovered that Minh wants to shatter and
ultimately destroy our most precious possessions. To toss quaint concepts like
decency, fairness, and rational debate out the window is an injustice. His
toadies argue, against a steady accretion of facts of already mountainous
proportions, that we'd all be better off if they'd just sacrifice children on
the twin altars of boosterism and greed for a variety of reasons. For instance,
he wants nothing less than to manipulate everything and everybody, hence his
repeated, almost hypnotic, insistence on the importance of his ridiculous
According to the laws of probability, I do not appreciate being labeled. No
one does. Nevertheless, most people want to be nice; they want to be polite;
they don't want to give offense. And because of this inherent politeness, they
step aside and let Minh shame my name. Well, sure; he should think for himself,
but that doesn't change reality. Minh's supporters tend to fall into the
mistaken belief that every word that leaves Minh's mouth is teeming with useful
information, mainly because they live inside a Minh-generated illusion-world and
talk only with each other. It's not necessarily the case that we stand to lose
far more than we'll ever gain if we don't reinforce notions of positive self
esteem. On the contrary, his press releases symbolize lawlessness, violence, and
misguided rebellion -- extreme liberty for a few, even if the rest of us lose
more than a little freedom.
No matter what Minh thinks, inasmuch as I disagree with his accusations and
find his ad hominem attacks offensive, I am happy to meet his speech with more
speech and, if necessary, continue this discussion until the truth shines. Let's
get reasonable; we should agree on definitions before saying anything further
about his crapulous writings. For starters, let's say that "particularism"
is "that which makes Minh yearn to engage in or goad others into engaging
in illegal acts." If he would abandon his name-calling and false
dichotomies, it would be much easier for me to hold out the prospect of societal
peace, prosperity, and a return to sane values and certainties. Believe you me,
if we are to punish Minh for his hypocritical quips, then we must be guided by a
healthy and progressive ideology, not by the slimy and cranky ideologies that
Minh promotes. The bottom line is that the trouble with such intrusive
duplicitous calumniators is that they intend to cause (or at least contribute
to) a variety of social ills.
MILWAUKEE (UPI)--Law enforcement officials report an ongoing investigation
into leads linking mass murder suspect Jeffrey Dahmer with dozens of unsolved
incidents in a score of countries and several historical periods.
"This case is turning into one of those Russian dolls that you just keep
finding more dolls inside," says Marshall Perkins, a Milwaukee Police
Department detective. "It's not just Wisconsin and Germany. Apparently
Dahmer really got around."
State Department officials visiting Vietnam in quest of information
concerning American MIAs confirm that Vietnamese authorities suspect Dahmer may
be the key to the whereabouts of dozens of missing servicemen. "Yes, of
course we had American prisoners in the 1970s," said Nguyen Gap, mayor of
the provincial town of Dong Hoi in northern Vietnam. "Then, about 1980, an
American with special papers came through, and we never saw the prisoners
again." But farmers outside Dong Hoi reported discovering human body parts
in rice fields during the months that followed. Army officials in Washington
would neither confirm nor deny rumors that Dahmer left Germany for Southeast
Asia on special assignment during his military service eleven years ago.
Cattle ranchers in Montana believe Dahmer may be the missing piece to the
bizarre jigsaw puzzle of livestock deaths that splashed across tabloid
newspapers in the early 1980s, when a number of steers were discovered dead on
the range, their throats slit and their bodies often mutilated. While ranchers
blamed everything from Satanists to space aliens, Milwaukee sources confirm that
Dahmer has admitted to murdering the steers during two summers he spent working
as a janitor in Yellowstone National Park. "He'd go off on the weekends in
his pickup and look for strays," said an informant from the District
Attorney's office. "He'd lure them with alfalfa, hit them with a
tranquilizer dart, and cut their throat with a Bowie knife."
Two co-workers at the Old Faithful Inn yesterday recalled finding several
bloody, hastily wrapped beef hearts in one of the kitchen refrigerators there.
"Dahmer told us he'd made a run to a butcher shop down in Jackson, but we
always kind of wondered," said Harry Strassen, 34. "Now we know."
Milwaukee officials have installed a special phone line to handle dozens of
inquiries pouring into City Hall from all over the globe. "It's
unbelievable. Voodoo killings in Haiti, necklacings in South Africa, crop
circles in England," says Patti Sherlock, 23, administrative assistant at
City Hall. "If there were a Nobel Prize for mass murder this guy would get
"Actually," she mused, "I can kind of sleep easier now,
knowing that so much of all these scary things goes back to one guy. And he's
locked up. I hope they throw away the key."
10) Viet Nam was a jungle war; Desert Storm is a desert war. (as noted by
9) The U.S. is not the world's most profligate waster of rice.
8) We are not killing Vietnamese women and children in Desert Storm.
7) The White House wasn't smart enough to come up with a catchy name for the
Viet Nam war.
7') Viet Nam was a conflict--Desert Storm is an operation.
6) Some Americans actually believed that we were defending a democratic
government in Viet Nam.
5) The time difference from the U.S. to the middle east is better suited to
prime time live coverage of the festivities.
4) Nobody ever compared Ho Chi Minh to Adolf Hitler.
3) We hadn't been supplying weapons and intelligence to the North Vietnamese
until weeks before the war began.
2) The networks didn't have slick computer graphics with dramatic theme music
for the Viet Nam war.
and the number one reason why Operation Desert Storm is not like Viet Nam:
1) Since Viet Nam came first, we could claim that we didn't know any better.
Two Vietnamese refugees have just arrived in the United States by boat and
one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat
dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might
as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, one of the refugees points to a hot dog vendor and they
both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and
hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin
to unwrap their "dogs."
One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment,
she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
A Vietnamese couple who has been married for twenty years went to the
reception of a close comrade's daughter. During the ring exchange ceremony, the
husband started to cry profusely.
The wife, surprised by her husband's emotional outburst, said, " I
didn't realize that you have so much feeling to share with your comrade's
The husband replied, "No, you are wrong! That was not why I cried."
He continued, "Twenty years ago, your father caught us doing it, and threatened
that if I don't marry you, your VC father will put me behind bars for twenty
Weeping even louder, the husband said, "If I had just gone to jail, I
would've been a free man by now. I made a big mistake. "
Note: The characters' speech should be spoken in a fake Asian accent. The r's
and l's should be merged into an intermediate sound.
When South Vietnam was nearing its end, and General
Minh was in charge, a popular artist came to him and asked to make a
statue in his honor (at government expense).
"Please, General Minh, you are the people's
hero," he told him.
"Yes, but make the sculpture in bronze,"
replied the general.
So the artist made the sculpture, but when it was
unveiled in a small private ceremony, the general was furious. For
the sculpture was made in gold.
"I want bronze," he said, "I want
The artist went away in a hurry, deeply impressed with
this show of humility. But he still wanted to honor the general, so
he made the next sculpture in silver.
But again the general was furious.
"I want bronze," he said, "I want
This time the artist made the sculpture out of bronze
as asked. When the sculpture was revealed to the general, he was
overjoyed at the wonderful bronze likeness. The artist then
complimented the general on his deep humility. This notion confused him
"But why did you want sculpture made of bronze?"
"Why? I'll tell you why," said the
"Because General Minh prefers bronze!"
An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about the
happiness of life.
"To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a
wonderful dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching Monday
Night Football," the American said.
"You Americans are not romantic at all", the French injected,
"Spending a lovely evening with my lover, walking along the Seine river,
and having a romantic dinner on top of the Eiffel tower. That is happiness of
"You call those things happiness", the Vietnamese said, "then
you two still don't understand life at all. Imagine this. You are sleeping
soundly at night in Saigon. Then suddenly you hear loud knocks on your front
door. You hear loud voices, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, open the door!'. Awaked with
fear, you rush out and open the door. Right there, you see two secret policemen
ready to handcuff you. One man say to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, you are under
arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities. You are being sent to the
re-educational camp for an undetermined period of time. Sweating profusely and
shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh lives
next door.' That moment is the ultimate happiness of life, my friends."
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and
think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day
the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell a story. Suzy said,
"Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell
them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out
of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the
story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we
take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the
12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies
"Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane
was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a
case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of
beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers.
He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his
machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the
last ten with his bare hands". The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks
if there is possibly any moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't fuck
with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
My uncle Jack served in the late 60s on the aircraft carrier USS Ranger,
CVA-61, in the Tonkin Gulf off the east coast of Vietnam. Having spent his youth
with Ham radio, he became an electronics technician. He came aboard fresh
from high school, Basic Training, and the US Navy's radio repairman's school.
In the radio shop, as probably elsewhere on the ship, in the Navy, and in
military life in general, life is regulated by a strict hierarchy. In small
organizational units, where the hierarchy is rather flat, the pecking order must
be decided by some means other than stripe count. In the Ranger's radio repair
shop, the man with the least seniority was assigned to arrive earlier in the
morning to make the coffee, so it would be ready by the time the rest of the
The first morning out of port, the chief petty officer was giving him the shop
tour, focusing closely on coffee-making procedures.
"Ya see kid, first ya put eight scoops of coffee in da basket, den ya put
da water in da pot, up to dat line. Den ya put da basket in da pot, put da
lid on, and plug it inta da bulkhead. Ya got dat, kid?" "Yes
sir, got it."
Jack didn't drink coffee back then, and he still doesn't care much for it.
And he didn't particularly like the idea of making the coffee for the duration
of the cruise, for everyone else to drink. And he valued those ten extra
minutes in the rack as much as the next sailor, perhaps even more.
So the next morning, Jack put eight scoops of coffee in the filter basket.
The next morning, nine scoops. The morning after that, ten scoops.
And so on...
By the end of the week, the rest of the shop was convinced that Jack, being
incapable even of making a decent pot of coffee, was dumber than the average
tree stump. They arrived at the consensus that the honor of coffee detail
should be removed from his list of responsibilities, and given to someone more
competent. Jack just meekly hung his head at the shame, said "yes sir"
appropriately, and enjoyed those extra ten minutes of sleep for the rest of the
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and
think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story....
The next day Billy tells his story....
"My dad fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy
territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine
gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately he
landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his
machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20
more, but the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his
Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to
his story....Billy replies, "Yeah... don't mess with my dad when he's been
During the Vietnam War, a hillbilly soldier shot
about a dozen of the enemy during his first battle.
The Sergeant said,
"How'd you learn to shoot like that ? Have you ever been in combat before?"
"Well suh," drawled the boy, "To be honest, this is my
first public war."
The Vietnamese soldier serving in Cambodia, far from home, was annoyed and
upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of
women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a
"Regret -- cannot remember which one is you. Please keep your photo and
return the others."
Back when Vietnam was still separated as North and South, the president of
South Vietnam then was President Thieun
As he was getting a lot of unfavorable treatment from his own country's news
agencies, he invited Tara Singh, a journalist from Malaysia, to brief him about
the setup of Bernama.
After Tara Singh had briefed the president about Bernama, the president was
impressed. He declared that it was time for him to set up his own Bernama, to
counter all the criticism he has been receiving lately.
Tara Singh politely said, "But Mr. President, the name 'Bernama' is
already used by Malaysia... maybe if you chose another name."
"Of course, you're right! I shall name it after myself then. It will be
known as Thieunama !! ", said the president. Tara Singh nearly choked on
that! " Ahh, Mr President, that may not be the best name. To the Cantonese
speaking people, that name is a four-letter word concerning mothers," said
The president was touched by the journalist's sincerity, "Thank you for
being so honest with me. You deserve recognition for that. Why don't we give the
news agency a name formed from our names. How about ThieunaSingh ?"
Tuan comes up to the border between Vietnam and China on his bicycle. He has
two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in
"Rice," answered Tuan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The
guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing
in them but rice. He detains Tuan overnight and has the rice analyzed, only to
discover that there is nothing but pure rice in the bags The guard releases Tuan,
puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him
cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you
"Rice," says Tuan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain
nothing but rice. He gives the sand back to Tuan, and Tuan crosses the border on
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Tuan
doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a noodles restaurant in
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling
something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep.
Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Tuan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
This guy went into the bar Friday night and ordered three beers, in fact every
Friday night he went into the bar and ordered three beers and drank them all by
himself. Three beers...every Friday night. Not 2. Never 4. Always 3.
Well, the bartender couldn't figure this out. Without fail this guy
The bartender finally said to the guy, "Every Friday night you come in
here and have three beers. There must be a story to this. You never order 2
beers, or 4 beers, always 3."
The guy said, "Yes there is a story. You see, me and my two buddies
always went out for a beer on Friday night when we were in Vietnam.
One night while we were drinking we decided that we could continue doing this
when we returned to the States. We also decided if one of us didn't make it the
other two would drink the third one's beer. And if two didn't make it, the third
guy would drink the other two beers. The other two didn't make it back so I'm
drinking theirs." The bartender felt bad.
Well, the next Friday night the guy came back into the bar as usual but only
ordered two beers. The bartender couldn't believe it. Friday after Friday this
guy now ordered only two drinks. This went on for some time and the bartender was
so puzzled he just had to ask the guy about it.
The bartender said to him, "I notice you have only been ordering two
beers for the last few weeks. There has to be a story here."
The guy said, "Yes indeed there is a story. You see I joined the Mormon
church and I can't drink beer any more."
A man was being interviewed for a job.
"Were you in the service?" asked the
"Yes, I was a Marine," responded the
"Did you see any active duty?"
"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a
"May I ask what happened?"
"Well, I had a grenade go off between my
legs and I lost both testicles."
"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10
The somewhat surprised applicant asked,
"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment
because of my disability."
"Everyone else starts at 7 o'clock, but I
should be honest with you," explained the interviewer. "Nothing gets
done before 10 o'clock because we just sit and scratch our balls trying to
decide what to do first."
This ethnic fellow Vietnamese buys a convertible one day from a local car
dealer. Later the same night, the car dealer receives a phone call."Excuse me, but do you happen to have an extra set of keys for my new car?
I seem to have locked mine in.""Yeah, sure. Where are you?""Corner of Main and King.""Okay. I'll be over in about half an hour.""No, no! You have to come over right now!""Why?""'Cause I left the roof down and it's starting to rain!!"
A soldier in Vietnam saw a local man coming down the road with his wife
behind him with a bicycle loaded with all their worldly possessions. The soldier
asked him why he carried nothing but a cigarette and his wife had to push the
bicycle alone. The man replied, "TRADITION".
Two weeks later he saw the same local man on the same road but this time she
was in front and he was pushing the loaded bicycle. The soldier asked him what
happened to TRADITION and the man said "LAND MINES"
"I can't believe my terrible fate," cried Cu Teo. When his friends
asked what was the matter, he replied "My daughter has gone off and married
that loser who doesn't know how to drink or gamble."
"Then what's the problem?" they asked. "You should be glad
that your son-in-law doesn't drink or gamble."
"Who said he doesn't drink or gamble? He does both. I said he doesn't
know how to do either one properly."
On a flight from Saigon to Los Angeles, an American sat beside a Vietnamese. American asked Vietnamese,
"What kind of "ese" are you?"Excuse me?""What kind of "ese" are you?""Excuse me, I don't understand what you meant.""Stupid! Are you Vietnamese, Chinese or Japanese?""Oh! I am a Vietnamese."After 2 hours.
Vietnamese asked American: "What kind of "kee" are you? "What? What do you mean by key?""Are you monkey, donkey or Yankee."
You look older than you really are.
Your parents are scared of anyone that is black.
Your parents dog on Mexicans and Blacks
You know you're superior to other Asians.
Your parents think you're 12 when you're really 18.
When you go out to buy clothes you have to buy them 3 sizes too big for
you to grow in and for any younger brother or sister to have for Christmas a
few years down the line.
At least one of your parents are in a self owned business like Laundromat,
Nails, or Apartments. If they own apartments they rent only to Asian
Guys: you sit on your butt all day.
Girls: you do everything while your man sits on his butt.
Guys: you have a nice variety of white and black shirts, blue and black
jeans and slacks.
You cuss out anyone in Vietnamese that gets you pissed off.
Your parents think you're the worst kid.
Your parents compare you to 4.5 nerds and call you stupid.
You watch Vietnamese translated movies that are 30 tapes long.
You listen to New-wave, Techno, Rap, Slowjams, and/or Euro dance.
You show your Viet-pride to the fullest.
You go to Little Saigon once in a while or every weekend or everyday!
While you are in Little Saigon, you always go to Phuoc Loc Tho where you
head straight into that Asian Collection music store.
You always take American friends to go to Bo 7 Mon (Seven courses of Beef)
to amaze them with Vietnamese foods.
There's Chinese in your family line somewhere.
You live in the valley (SFV), O.C., or somewhere in the East.
You get along with other Vietnamese even though they are total F.O.B.'s.
You're down for your crap.
You're loyal to ALL your friends.
You don't own an American car.
Girls: You hate all F.O.B.'s that go "Hey, babee, you cute. Can I hab
yo fone numba?"
Guys: You enjoy getting slapped by the girls you try to mack on. Hey, at
least she touched you.
You are the bomb at pool.
You like to wear Nike, Adidas, Tommy, or Nautica. If you're an F.O.B., you
wear Calvin Klein and Guess.
You are always updated with the Asian style.
Guys: You either have high spikes or slicked small bangs combed back.
You highlight your hair.
You buy Levi's 501s and you slit the sides.
You played the piano once in your life.
You take 2 or more showers a day.
Your parents always boast about you to all the other Vietnamese parents,
or your parents totally dogg on how stupid you are to other Vietnamese
After you come from the beach with a tan, they say that you look
No matter what you are, people think your Chinese or Korean.
Anybody will ask you to say something in Vietnamese. After you told them
hello and how are you doing in Vietnamese, they ask about the cuss words.
Your parents can only help you with the math assignments and no other
You like Durian.
When you get detention or demerits from school, your parents think that
you are a rebel.
When your parents see that you get bad grades, they start lecturing about
how they went through hell in school in Vietnam. They would say that they
would have gotten whooped in the butt.
Your parents always compare Vietnam and America.
When you are feeling ill, your parents think you're on drugs.
Your parents have the whole collection of Paris By Night.
Your parents always criticize you, criticize others, and criticize each
Guys: You love Acura Integras and 4-Runners.
Your parents want you to be better than everyone else.
Guys: you, one time in your life, had the regulation bowl cut.
You ate 4 bowls of rice, then five minutes after, your parents ask you if
you want to eat 4 more bowls.
Your aunts always have a fro hair cut.
Your parents always compare you to those big buff white peeps.
In your house, there's always multiple pictures of your family and you
when you were small, side by side in every room.
You have the last name or are related to someone who has the last name:
Guys: You only go for only cute Asian girls.
Girls: You went out with or liked someone named Minh.
Your dad wears glasses and always has the good ol' hair combed to the
You only buy products made in Japan.
Your parents always remind you to greet every older person in Vietnamese
if they're Vietnamese.
You always have pounds of rice around the house.
Your parents hate pets except for harmless, CHEAP goldfishes.
Your parents are attracted to the English words of: "99 cents"
You collect all the coupons you can find.
Your grandparents always give you money.
Your parents know how to make Pho.
You're taller than your parents.
You have a computer.
Your parents only watch TV when the Little Saigon Television is on.
You put Soy Sauce or nuoc mam on every food .
You enjoy Karaoke and/or you have the machine at home.
You can't date until you're 60.
Your parents make you get married with only Vietnamese people.
You like playing volleyball.
You use your dishwasher to store clean dishes.
Your parents use the "Eagle" brand oil for every type of
You use the Eagle Oil.
You know where all of the Vietnamese restaurants in town are.
You, your little brother, your older brother, and your older brother's
friend sleep together in the same bed.
Your family own a copy of "Paris By Night".
Your parents always buy Japanese automobiles.
Your parents listen to the news from Vietnamese radio station either at
home or in their car.
Your parents always want to do business with Vietnamese only.
Your parents want you to marry an educated person.
Your father or brother goes to the casino every week or month.