Burns: Now before we begin, let me make one thing clear for you. I
want your legal advice. I even pay for it. But to me you're
all vipers!
You live on personal injuries, you live on divorces, you live
on pain and misery! I--
[getting ahold of himself]
Oh, but I'm rambling. Would anyone like some coffee?
Lawyer: Yes, I would like some coffee.
Burns: Want it black, don't you? Black like your heart? It's so
hard for me to listen to you, I hate you all so much!
[pause]
I'm sorry, it's my problem, I'll deal with it. Please
continue.
Lawyer: If you offer Homer Simpson a token cash settlement, say a
couple of thou, he'll be so dazzled, he'll sign anything you
shove under his nose.
Burns: [sarcastic] Oh, brilliant, a cash settlement. I could have
figured that out, you buttoned-down maggot!
Lawyer: Got any cream?
Burns: Oh yes, of course, where are my manners?
-- Burns' anti-lawyer rant, "Brother,
Can You Spare Two Dimes?"
want your legal advice. I even pay for it. But to me you're
all vipers!
You live on personal injuries, you live on divorces, you live
on pain and misery! I--
[getting ahold of himself]
Oh, but I'm rambling. Would anyone like some coffee?
Lawyer: Yes, I would like some coffee.
Burns: Want it black, don't you? Black like your heart? It's so
hard for me to listen to you, I hate you all so much!
[pause]
I'm sorry, it's my problem, I'll deal with it. Please
continue.
Lawyer: If you offer Homer Simpson a token cash settlement, say a
couple of thou, he'll be so dazzled, he'll sign anything you
shove under his nose.
Burns: [sarcastic] Oh, brilliant, a cash settlement. I could have
figured that out, you buttoned-down maggot!
Lawyer: Got any cream?
Burns: Oh yes, of course, where are my manners?
-- Burns' anti-lawyer rant, "Brother,
Can You Spare Two Dimes?"
Related:
- Jacques: First, you must get to know your lane. Feel the slickness,
feel the slippery finish. Caresses it, experience it... - Homer: I'm really sorry I hit you Mr. Burns. Here, let me put some salt
on that eye.
Burns: [frightened] No, please, I can't bear another... - Moe: D'oh, he's going to ruin everything! All right,
that's it, Homer: either Burns goes, or Moe... - Homer: Welcome to the Simpson residence or "casa de Simpson," as I
call it.
Grimes: Yeah, what did you want to see me about,... - Bart: Mr. Burns, I don't want to seem ungrateful, but I want to
go home to my family.
Burns: [sighs] I was hoping I wouldn't have to tell... - Burns: The one who shot me was...[camera pans to Smithers]
Aah!
Aah! Waylon Smithers! Smithers: [pained] Noo! Wait... - Smithers: [chuckles] Perfect. When I give the signal,
you transfer the call to Mr. Burns. After she tears... - Burns: [groaning] Ohh! I need some more ether. I can still feel the
movement of the emory board.
Smithers: [checks bottle] We're fresh out, Sir. I'll... - Burns: Bart, I know you children see me as some sort of "booger man",
but I'm really not such a bad dude. Oh, your milk's...
From the same category:
- Troy: [laughing] That's too funny! I can't remember when I've heard a
funnier anecdote.
[laughing] All right, now you tell one. Selma: Well... - Milhouse: Thanks a lot. Now it's stuck on that haunted house.
Nelson: I heard a witch lives there. Ralph: I heard... - Burns: What happened?
[snow rumbles]
Homer:
I think when we yelled we caused another avalanche... - Homer: Marge honey, I've got five words to say to you!
[one word per finger] Greasy Joe's Bottomless Barbecue... - Smithers: Sir, this can't be right. You assured me this drawing was
rigged so we'd be teammates.
Burns: Yes, well, frankly, you've been a bit of a pill...
