Related:

• I don't exercise. I'm Jewish. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
  JOAN RIVERS...
• I was a tiny baby when I was born. Really tiny. I was breast-fed intravenously.
  I had to have a special nurse 'cause I was so little....
• You are standing on my toes.
• If God hadn't wanted me to be paranoid, He wouldn't have given me such a vivid imaginatio
• If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
  -- Dave Barry...
• If God had wanted people to give blow jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth.
• I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold.
  A thief is anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnapping somebody....