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• I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
  -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends.
  I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought....
• I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library.
  When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
  Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table....
• Hey, you folks are all right. Man, it was rough getting a ride out there.
  The only car that stopped was a hearse that thought I fell out....
• I had a handle on life ... then it fell off!
• I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking pot I didn't know what I was doing.
  I smoked half the joint, got the munchies, and ate the other half....
• I grew up on a big farm. Last time I was home visiting my folks I delivered a calf.
  I tell ya, I feel so much thinner now. -- Henriette Mantel...
• OK, O Mighty Odin, as long as you're not gonna answer my prayers, I'm gonna tell ya what I REALLY think of ya!