Related:

• Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving.
  When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was....
• I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse." -- Emo Phillip
• The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?
  I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way." -- Emo Phillip...
• I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed.
  So I said, "Get off me, you two!" -- Emo Phillip...
• The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800.
  I said "If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return....
• I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor.
  The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?" -- Emo Phillip...
• You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers.
  ..damn anthropologists. -- Emo Phillip...
• I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming.
  ..They don't know I'm only using blanks. -- Emo Phillip...
• I don't want to say she was loose. I believe the term we use today is USER FRIENDLY.
  -- Emo Phillip...