Related:

• People keep telling me that I do not have a sense of humor, and I don't think that is funny at all, not one little bit.
• How many Christians -- does it take to change a light bulb?
  200!!! 100 to sit in church and pray long sonorous prayers for it to see the light again, 10 to stand on street corners and point out to others how that if they don't accept what they're being told, their light might go out as well, 3 to try and exorcise the demon of darkness out of the light bulb, 2 to gather together in "the name of the lord" because where two or more are gathered together in "his" name....
• Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside.
  Wheezing his last words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are now in your hands....
• Chandler: I am telling you, years from now, schoolchildren will study it as one of the greatest first dates of all time.
  It was unbelievable! We could totally be ourselves, we didn't have to play any games....
• I have all the defects of other people and yet everything they do seems to me inconceivable.
  -- E.M. Ciora...
• Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her.
  -- Andy Capp...
• Lisa: Excuse me, Miss Lavelle? I'd like to talk to you about Malibu Stacy.
  Stacy: Do you have any idea how many kids have tried to track me down?...
• What does this do, Mr Woof?
• Recently, my personal advisors have beeen telling me to go to America.
  Actually, people have been walking up to me in the street and telling me to sod off, but that's the same thing, isn't it?...