Related:

• There's always one guy who tries to impress you with how big a joint he can roll.
  The guy takes the Sunday Times, drops a kilo brick in with the strings on it ....
• Jacques: First, you must get to know your lane. Feel the slickness, feel the slippery finish.
  Caresses it, experience it. Quite smooth, isn't it?...
• Once at a dinner party when he was a young man, Winston Churchill, who at the time had a moustache, was seated next to an older woman.
  She said to him, "Young man, I care neither for your politics nor for your moustache....
• A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
  Ogden Nash...
• Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air, it's got so much stuff floating around in it.
  It takes the edge out of the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel....
• When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?
  -- Steven Wrigh...
• Everybody has sex now. When I was a kid only women had sex and you had to get it from them.
  We got a battery-powered sexual aid. Actually, a flashlight....
• Airplane. Guy is sitting asleep, fly open, completely exposed.
  Next aisle, a guy's sitting there. He looks over and sees him....
• You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an uncontrollable desire to pick your nose.
  Since this is definitely a no-no, you: (a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th joint....