Related:

• If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip.
  Even if they smash you, ick!, you're all over their lip! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait.
  Not me, you. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary.
  I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad....
• When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...