Related:

• TELEMARKETING The practice of ringing you up when you're on the toilet just to ask you what you think about council merge
  would you like to donate to charity X, or would you like to get Call Waiting put on your phone....
• RETURN An experience of sheer terror. Here's some advice for when you want to return goods to their place of purchase.
  - Find the bag that your product X came in, which naturally has the shop's logo plastered all over it....
• OCTOPUS Eight-legged sea creature that I just can't bring myself to eat.
  Even when I have the advantage over it that it's dead and I'm alive....
• RETURN An experience of sheer terror. Here's some advice for when you want to return goods to their place of purchase.
  - Find the receipt. Okay, so you only bought your product X yesterday, the shop you bought it from probably only sells an X once in a blue moon and the shopkeeper in question has known you personally for a period of decades....
• Jacques: First, you must get to know your lane. Feel the slickness, feel the slippery finish.
  Caresses it, experience it. Quite smooth, isn't it?...
• AND NOW A WORD FROM THE PENTAGON To all those sissy wimps who don't want a war - remember what we're talking about here!
  What about all the oil we won't be able to pollute the atmosphere with if we don't liberate Kuwait?...
• RETURN An experience of sheer terror. Here's some advice for when you want to return goods to their place of purchase.
  - When you get to the shop, radiate confidence. For some reason, whenever I'm in this situation I get pangs of guilt going through my mind....
• We would like to appeal to all parents who own ferocious dogs - please think before leaving the dog near the baby.
  Wouldn't it be better to leave the baby outside the house?...
• CRIME STOPPERS: WANTED James Wanton, 17 years old
  175 centimetres tall, wanted for not making his bed this morning, leaving an assortment of unwashed dishes in his bedroom, leaving his socks and underpants on the floor, and generally treating the place like a hotel....