Related:

• Nobody says, "Can I have your beets?" -- Bill Cosby
• Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink.
• Your mind is the part of you that says, "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?
  ... and then, twenty minutes later, says, "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!...
• As a kid, I used to have a lemonade stand. The sign said, "All you can drink for a dime.
  So some kid would come up, plunk down the dime, drink a glass, and then say, "Refill it....
• I was out in the backyard one beautiful day. I said to my mother, "Mama, why don't I have no sister or no brother?
  She said, "Go away, go play, don't worry your mother, dear....
• Marge: Er, I don't want to judge the rightness of your ego orientation, but my inner critic says you should have done your job!
  Ned: Hey, now, Marge, let's not "should" this fellow to death....
• Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack, I went out for a ride and never came back.
  Like a river that don't know where it's flowing, I took a wrong turn and I just kept going....
• Nobody ever says to men, how can you be a Congressman and a father. -- Pat Schroede
• Have you heard about the transvestite who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.