Related:

• Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it.
  Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya....
• Jacques: First, you must get to know your lane. Feel the slickness, feel the slippery finish.
  Caresses it, experience it. Quite smooth, isn't it?...
• I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck.
  Marriage is a two-way proposition, but never let the woman know she is one of the ways....
• Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack, I went out for a ride and never came back.
  Like a river that don't know where it's flowing, I took a wrong turn and I just kept going....
• Phoebe: I don't know how to say this, but I think when your wife's spirit left her body, it um, kind of stuck around in me.
  Mr. Adelman: You're saying, my wife is in you? Phoebe...
• I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even.
  That's all custody means. Get even with your old lady. -- Lenny Bruce...
• Lenny: See, all along I've been telling Carl I'm married to a beauty queen.
  Now, he's coming over for dinner. Marge: Oh, Lenny, I'm sure he'll like your wife no matter what she looks like....
• Now, folks, all I know is what little news I read every day in the paper.
  I see where another wife out on Long Island in New York shot her husband....
• Dear Editor: I just read in your paper that a little old lady was bitten by a black widow spider when she picked up the paper off the front porch.
  This came as nothing short of a surprise to me. Not the fact that she was bitten by a black widow spider, mind you, but that the paper was on the front porch....