Related:

• One day, when I came home from work, I accidently put my car key in the door of my apartment building.
  .. I turned it... and the whole building started up....
• Lenny: Quitting time! Carl: Let's go, Homer. On the way home, we're stopping at Moe's for a Zima.
  Homer: Er, maybe I'll just stay and work overtime....
• I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the perfect woman.
  I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough, I would find her and then I would be secure for life....
• I woke up and started folding my bed back into a couch and almost broke both my arms, because it's not one of those beds!
  -- Steven Wrigh...
• My mother-in-law is an alien.
• My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked.
  -- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)...
• Jacques: First, you must get to know your lane. Feel the slickness, feel the slippery finish.
  Caresses it, experience it. Quite smooth, isn't it?...
• When my Dad came home last night, my mom fainted.
• The trouble with my wife is that she is a whore in the kitchen and a cook in the bed.
  -- Geoffrey Gore...