Related:

• Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike.
  The first is, we both like to spread our "stink" around....
• I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head.
  That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat as much....
• I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait.
  Not me, you. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually ARE experts. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey