Related:

• I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling.
  It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood....
• If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat.
  Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection?...
• You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad.
  Also, he has severe diarrhea. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back.
  NOW who's asking the questions? -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real.
  And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big "thing....
• One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one.
  I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me....
• If I ever get real rich, I hoe I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me.
  I remember we'd all pile into the car---I forget what kind it was---and drive and drive....