Related:

• Some guy came running in the other night and said, "Somebody stole my car!
  I said, "Did you see him?" He said, "No, but I got his license plate." -- Bill Barne...
• I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me.
  .. I pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?...
• Two women were talking about that recent birth of quintuplets.
  One woman says, "Did you know that happens only once in four million times?...
• Little kids are tough. I saw a little kid, I gave him an orange.
  His mother said, "What do you say to the man?" The kid looked at me and said, "Peel it....
• A couple I know were discussing their wallpaper, which had just been hung.
  Dov was annoyed at Debby's indifference to what he felt was a poor job....
• Target prices? How that works? I know quite a bit about farm policy.
  I come from Indiana, which is a farm state. Deficiency payments - which are the key - that is what gets money into the farmer's hands....
• The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up.
  Everybody but one girl laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?...
• I know not, sir, whether Bacon wrote the works of Shakespeare, but if he did not it seems to me that he missed the opportunity of his life.
  -- James Barrie...
• Moe: Sorry, Grampa, but I gotta stash ya in the bathroom so Betty won't get wise to us.
  [sets Grampa up between two urinals, and plugs him in] Grampa...