Related:

• I don't do this for my health, you understand. I do it for the pain.
  I *LOVE* the pain! -- Professor Hugh D. Young, quoted out of context....
• An old man lost all his money. Seventy years old, hasn't got a dime.
  Who does he blame? His wife. He says, "If you were a good wife, you'd go out and work for me....
• Last year I entered the LA marathon. I finished last.
  It was embarrassing. And the guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me....
• I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me.
  .. I pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?...
• Not long ago, there was a little Cajun boy that brought himself in the house.
  And like all little boys, first thing he did, he yell, "Momma!...
• Still, no matter what Webster's says, to me a date is going out with a guy you like, and he opens the doors for me, and I comb my hair and try to be civilized.
  A date is planned out in advance, so you have plenty of time to get nervous about it....
• Joey: All right. [gets up] Monica: [stopping him] No!
  Joey, we swore we'd never tell! Chandler: [running over and joining Monica] They'll never understand!...
• Three fellas up in heaven. St. Peter's interviewing them.
  He says to the first guy, "How did you get up here in heaven?...
• I'm going to die". (...) "I shall manage. Don't you worry about me," Jack said between clenched teeth.
  Joy shook her head. "I think it can be better than that....