I hate to think about the past. It just brings back so many memories!

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• My views on evolution? I think Darwin was adopted. -
  Steven Wright...
• I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
  Steven...
• I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice.
  It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through...
• Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.
  Steven...
• I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.
  Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio...
• My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it,
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• I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board.
  You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the...
• Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
  Steven...