I hate California. The trouble out here is that people you go out to eat with make you feel like scum.

I hate California. The trouble out here is that people you go out to eat
with make you feel like scum. By eating healthy food! I usually order
something New Yorky. Like "Give me a bacon cheeseburger and a plate of
cigarettes." Then the guy with me goes, "Oh, I'll just have a Perrier and a
motivational cassette."
-- Richard Jeni