Related:

• This morning I caught my wife in a lie ... I'm sitting there in the kitchen, having some coffee, biscuits, some jelly.
  About eleven-thirty my old lady came in, and her wig was amuss....
• The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore" The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before And slowly she let him inside.
  He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun And now will you tell me why?...
• One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl.
  ..I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?...
• Monica: Okay. It's-it's about Alan. There's something that you should know.
  I mean, there's really no easy way to say this.. uh....
• When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise.
  She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder....
• On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick tomatoes.
  Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks....
• Homer: Lisa, you like homework. Could you fill out this form for me?
  Lisa: Well, all right. If you'll listen to the poem I just wrote....
• Look, I'm up to here with cool, okay? I am so amazingly cool you could keep a side of meat in me for a month.
  I am so hip, I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis....
• A lot of schools around New York keep sending school reporters to interview me.
  So this girl comes over from a girls' college the other day and she says, "How old should a girl be before she goes to a prom in a strapless dress?...