Related:

• If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat.
  Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection?...
• If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed right off the stage.
  They're just not ready. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If doctors ever tell you that you've "flipped out," don't believe them, and just keep on doing what you were doing, because something tells me "the Man" is behind this.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If I ever get real rich, I hoe I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?
  When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that way....
• If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad.
  Also, he has severe diarrhea. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the preside
  because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something....