Related:

• If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy.
  I bet it means something. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad?
  Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it?...
• If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• You know something that would really make me applaud?
  A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis!...
• I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egyp
  on thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before I start, you have all the jewelry and so forth on the body, because I am NOT unwrapping him later....