Related:

• I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow.
  So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow....
• Unknown A visiting dignitary from Saudi Arabia had a bad headache.
  Upon being examined by the doctor, it was discovered he had a brain tumor....
• I know how to please a woman. Then please leave me alone.
• Voice Mail My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
  A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here....
• The Luck Of The Irish Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
  Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya....
• BEHAVIORAL TIPS. The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
  Never ask him to purchase feminine products, unless you are willing to assume he will come home with the wrong thing....
• First Date Advice Things Not To Say On A First Date
  1. "This is my apartment, but don't break anything, or you'll have to pay for it....
• Boy, Can A Four Year Old Be Loud! Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning.
  As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Patty, apparently scared by the loud storm....
• Letter to the Bank Manager Dear Bank Manager, I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
  By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it....