NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED AT BELL LABS (Boston) - The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered at Bell Labs.

NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED AT BELL LABS

(Boston) - The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered at
Bell Labs. The element, tentatively named ADMINISTRATIUM, has no protons or
electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one
neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons, and 111 assistant-vice-
neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held
together, in a nucleus, by a force that involves the continuous exchange of
meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to Bell Lab scientists, a minute amount of Administratium caused
one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur
in less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years - at which
time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in
which assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons, and assistant-vice-neutrons exchange
places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight actually increases
after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicate that Administratium occurs naturally
in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as govern-
ment agencies, large corporations, universities, and can be found in the
newest best maintained buildings.

Scientist point out that Administratium is know to be toxic at any level of
concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is
allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administra-
tium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date
are not promising.