HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
** At lunchtime, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair
dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
** Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
** Insist that your e-mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com
** Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with
** Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
** Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
** Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
** In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'
** Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
** Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophet Jimmy."
** Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up
the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
** Don't use any punctuation
** As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
** Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
** Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
** Sing along at the opera.
** Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
** Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear
them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your
boss is of the opposite gender.)
** Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing.
For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."
** Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds
** Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.
** Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.
** Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
** Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
** When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time
** When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run
for your lives, they're loose!"
** Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the
voices in your head that do."
** Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have
to let one of you go."
** Every time you see a broom yell, "Honey, your mother is here!"
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...
BE A KID AGAIN....
Give yourself a gold star for everything you do today.
Dot all your "i"'s with smiley faces
Sing into your hairbrush
Grow a milk mustache
Smile back at the man in the moon
Read the funnies Throw the rest of the paper away
Dunk your cookies
Ask somebody if their refrigerator is running
Play a game where you make up the rules as you go along
Order with eyes that are bigger than your stomach
Open a pack of cupcakes and give one to a friend even
though you wanted both of them for yourself
Pretend your bread rolls are tap dancing
Step carefully over sidewalk cracks
Change into some play clothes
Try to get someone to trade you a better sandwich
Have a staring contest with your cat
Eat ice cream for breakfast
Kiss a frog just in case
Give someone a "Hug-around-the-neck"
Blow the wrapper off a straw
Refuse to eat crusts
Make a face the next time somebody tells you "no"
Watch TV in your pajamas