A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Daughter
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We don't
live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most
accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved. I won't be able
to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house
numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it
works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain and
haven't seen them since. The weather isn't too bad here, it only rained
twice last week. The first time it rained for three days and the second time
for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it
would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we
cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the
funeral home. They said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's
grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were
worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out. Your sister
had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't
know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl your sister is
going to name it after me. She's going to call it Mom. Uncle Pete fell in a
whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him but he fought them off and
drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your
friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled
down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back.
We think they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There
isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
PS I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...