The World According to Andy Rooney....
** On Ads In Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put
advertisements in with your bills now?
Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have
to stuff junk mail in there with them.
I get back at them. I put garbage in with
my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds,
banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this
away for me? Thank You."
** On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew
what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women
coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off).
That's how they mark their territory. You
can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that
April fresh scent out of your clothes.
** On Pregnancy:
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby
kicking. They say, 'Oh my God. He's kicking.
Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward
reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask
someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that
when I have gas. "Oh my God...give me your
hand...It won't be long now..."
** On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on
her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'.
You don't want to think of your grandmother
that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests.
Makes you wonder where she got that dollar
she gave you for your birthday.
** On Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand
dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez,
for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few
prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles.
I already have bars on the windows.
** On Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they
have now? They have awards for commercials.
The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials.
I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the
** On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and
vote on different issues? Did you ever notice
there's always like 18% that say "I don't know".
It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're
voting "I don't know."
"Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the
phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!"
(Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have
to stand up for what you believe you're not sure
This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for
$2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."
** On Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive
messages on someone's answering machine?
"Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right
now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day
is 'Share the love.' Beep."
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....
Speaking of being positive, your
test is back. Stop sharing the love."
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...