YOU KNOW YOU'RE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN -- Juan Valdez Named His Donkey After You.

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-- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
-- You ski uphill.
-- You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
-- You speed walk in your sleep.
-- You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the
-- You answer the door before people knock.
-- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
-- You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
-- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
-- You sleep with your eyes open.
-- You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
-- The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
-- You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the
-- You lick your coffeepot clean.
-- You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
-- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't
even work there.
-- You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
-- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
-- You chew on other people's fingernails.
-- The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
-- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."
-- Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
-- You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
-- You can jump-start your car without cables.
-- Cocaine is a downer.
-- All your kids are named "Joe."
-- You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
-- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
-- You don't sweat, you percolate.
-- You buy milk by the barrel.
-- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
-- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
-- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not
plugged in.
-- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
-- Charles Manson thinks YOU need to calm down.
-- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
-- People get dizzy just watching you.
-- When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three
more, I'll have a cup."
-- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
-- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
-- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
-- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
-- You're so wired, you pick up FM radio.
-- People can test their batteries in your ears.
-- Your life's goal IS to "amount to a hill of beans."
-- Instant coffee takes too long.
-- You channel surf faster without a remote.
-- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
-- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a
coffee can.
-- You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
-- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
-- You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
-- You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
-- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
-- You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
-- You get drunk just so you can sober up.
-- You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
-- Your Thermos is on wheels.
-- Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
-- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
-- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
-- You short out motion detectors.
-- You have a conniption over spilled milk.
-- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
-- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
-- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
-- You don't tan, you roast.
-- You don't get mad, you get steamed.
-- Your three favorite things in life before and coffee after.
-- Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee
to get you in the mood.
-- You can't even remember your second cup.
-- You help your dog chase its tail.
-- You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
-- Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
-- You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."
-- You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
-- Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.