Jay: Welcome to "Coming Attractions". I'm your host, Jay Sherman,
thank you. Tonight, we review an aging Charles Bronson in
"Death Wish 9".
Bronson: [in a hospital bed] I wish I was dead. Oy!
Jay: But first, we have a special guest: Rainier Wolfcastle, star of
the reprehensible McBain movies.
Rainier: Jay, my new film is a mixture of action und comedy. It's
called "McBain: Let's Get Silly".
[cut to clip from movie showing McBain with a microphone in
front of a brick wall]
McBain: Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up?
[pause] That's the joke.
Man: [from audience] You suck, McBain!
[McBain pulls a machine gun and fires into the audience]
McBain: Now, my Woody Allen impression: I'm a neurotic nerd who likes
to sleep with little girls.
Man: [from audience] Hey, that really sucked!
[McBain pulls the pin on a grenade and tosses it at him]
Rainier: The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a
half. It cost $80 million.
Jay: [contemptuous] How do you sleep at night?
Rainier: On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.
Jay: Just asking. Yeesh!
-- "A Star is Burns"