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• Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
• Nobody ever said it was going to be easy, baby! -- Boxcar Bertha.
• Computers were invented by Murphy.
• Lisa: Hey, you said we were going to Dairy Queen. Ba
  I lied. Now help me rummage through Bob's trash for clues....
• Hey, if you're going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things!
  -- Homer Simpson Mr. Plow...
• I hate nobody: I am in charity with the world.
  -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745) -- Polite Conversation, Dialogue i...
• At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays.
  But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?...
• Barney: Hey, Estelle? Will you go to the prom with me?
  Estelle: I wouldn't go to the prom with you if you were Elliot Gould!...