Related:

• A fella's talking to his priest. He said, "I gave up sex for Lent .
  .. Well, I tried to, but the last day of Lent my wife dropped a can of peaches and when she bent over to pick 'em up, I couldn't help it....
• I was talking to a businessman, and I said, "Don't you think most men are little boys?
  And he said, "I'm no little boy! I make seventy-five thousand dollars a year....
• I was talking to an Englishman and I said, "It's absolutely remarkable.
  In this day and age, you could fly to New York in six hours....
• A traveller at Sparta, standing long upon one leg, said to a Lacedaemonian, "I do not believe you can do as much.
  True," said he, "but every goose can." -- Plutarch (46-120 AD) -- Remarkable Speeche...
• Joey: All right. [gets up] Monica: [stopping him] No!
  Joey, we swore we'd never tell! Chandler: [running over and joining Monica] They'll never understand!...
• A hillbilly boy married a hillbilly girl and went on a honeymoon.
  They were supposed to stay two weeks, but they didn't stay two weeks, they stayed one night....
• A horrible little boy came up to me and said, `You know in your book The Martian Chronicles?
  ' I said, `Yes?' He said, `You know where you talk about Deimos rising in the East?...
• You can have a winner [in a nuclear war]. -- George Bush, 1980.
  In 1984, he said, ``I never said that.'' -- The original interview had been taped...
• You can expose yourself on the subway and it doesn't cost you a dime.
  Unless you spit. Then it's a twenty-five-dollar fine....