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• He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
• He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered. -- Ring Lardne
• He paid me a compliment. He said I looked like a breath of spring.
  Well, he didn't use them words. He said I looked like the end of a hard winter. -- Minnie Pearl...
• I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me.
  .. I pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?...
• Man: Excuse me, I ordered a Zima, not emphysema... Serve
  Please, don't smoke in our restaurant; we don't serve contemporary Californian cuisine in your lungs....
• Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things, with all due respect for their breakfast.
  I wonder why it is that toast always falls on the buttered side," said one....
• Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy.
  First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again....
• HAGGIS A Scottish dish made of the heart, lungs, and liver of a sheep, chopped up with suet, onions, oatmeal etc, seasoned and boiled in a sheep's stomach-bag or substitute.
  I think I'm going to be sick. Have you ever considered the argument that vomit is a lifeform in itself, subject to the same foibles as the rest of lifekind?...