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• In school I was never the class clown, but more of the class trapeze artist, as I was always being suspended .
  .. Once the teacher said, "Emo, what's five-nineteenths divided by four-fifteenths?...
• A five-year-old kid raised his hand at school. The teacher declined to let him leave the room.
  Five minutes later she reversed herself. She said, "All right, Sonny, you may go now....
• Lisa: I like him! He's smart, he's sensitive, he's clearly not obsessed with his physical appearance -- Home
  [walking by] My ears are burning. Lisa: Uh, I wasn't talking about you, Dad....
• Five-Minute University teaches you in five minutes what the average college student remembers five years after he or she's out of school .
  .. Say, if you want to take Spanish, what I teach you is "Como esta usted....
• My mother told me, "Elwood,"--she always called me "Elwood"--"in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.
  Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant....
• Homer: Woo-hoo! I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma any more!
  [sets fire to it and starts singing] I am so smart!...
• I will not call my teacher `Hot Cakes'.
• I will describe] where I come from and what kind of a house I lived in when I was a kid
  how many public schools that I went to - five elementary, two high schools - product of a public school system, two jobs in college, went to night school, worked my way through law school....
• Insanity runs in my family; it practically gallops...