Related:

• To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait.
  Not me, you. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around.
  That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?...
• I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why?
  It would take about a billion ants just to AIM a gun at me, let alone fire it....
• When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman.
  After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us....
• If there's ever an amusement park called Bag World, I bet it would really start to annoy you after a while how they really sort of stretch the definition of "bag.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...