Related:

• If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude.
  That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen." -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil.
  How innocent you are, little blacksmith. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't start thinking of what other words have "under" in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist.
  When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody....
• Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd probably be PROUD to be sprayed by one.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...