Related:

• When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake is wrapping it too tight.
  You have to allow the head to breathe. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• If doctors ever tell you that you've "flipped out," don't believe them, and just keep on doing what you were doing, because something tells me "the Man" is behind this.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil.
  How innocent you are, little blacksmith. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by
  and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him....
• You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests?
  Just a big bag of blood. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon.
  But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, ``Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in THAT....
• If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do.
  Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised....