Related:

• WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years.
  Struggle to become a parrot or something. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?
  ! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Whenever anyone says "I can't," it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by about ten thousand bees.
  When he says "I'll try," five thousand bees. ("I can," one bee....
• I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles.
  It would be cute because the parrot can't seem to act like an eagle....
• It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the preside
  because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something....