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• I was walking down Madison Avenue and I saw a very good-looking tie in a shop window.
  So I went in. Before I could say anything the manager said, "Oh, Tony Randall!...
• You didn't say what you said I said you said.
• Some guy came running in the other night and said, "Somebody stole my car!
  I said, "Did you see him?" He said, "No, but I got his license plate." -- Bill Barne...
• My uncle staggered in the other night, loaded. His wife said, "Where have you been?
  He said, "I bought something for the house." She said, "What did you buy for the house?...
• What would you say, my lord, if I were to say...'I love you'?
  Umm...(strangled)..Well, it depends entirely on who you said it to....
• Three fellas up in heaven. St. Peter's interviewing them.
  He says to the first guy, "How did you get up here in heaven?...
• A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
• My kid said, "I want a dog." Well, I went to the kennel.
  The first dog I saw had legs four inches long in front, two feet long in back....
• One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl.
  ..I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?...