Related:

• Be good, sweet maid, and let who will be clever; Do noble things, not dream them, all day long
  And so make life, death, and that vast forever One grand sweet song....
• I was trying to think the other day about what you do now in America if you want to be successful.
  Before, you were dependable and wore a good suit. Looking around, I guess that today you have to do all the same things but not wear a good suit....
• When I did my self-portrait, I left all the pimples out because you always should.
  Pimples are a temporary condition and they don't have anything to do with what you really look like....
• Homer: Larry, there's only one sure way to make him realize how much he loves you.
  And that is a phony kidnapping. Larry: Yeah, right....
• A retired dentist who loves to fish. "Open wide," he mutters to the unseen fish as he waits for a tug on the line.
  Now bite down. This may sting just a little bit....
• How many Christians -- does it take to change a light bulb?
  200!!! 100 to sit in church and pray long sonorous prayers for it to see the light again, 10 to stand on street corners and point out to others how that if they don't accept what they're being told, their light might go out as well, 3 to try and exorcise the demon of darkness out of the light bulb, 2 to gather together in "the name of the lord" because where two or more are gathered together in "his" name....
• Bart: [gasps] Sideshow Bob! [everyone gasps and screams] Bob
  [on TV] Hello, Springfield. Sorry to divert your attention from all the big noises and shiny things....
• Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.
  What should I do? A: Post the correct answer at once!...