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• When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home. -- Erma Bombeck
• Zweig: Er, Marge, this may not be the best time to bring this up, but, uh, your last check bounced.
  Marge: Wait, I'm remembering something. Zweig: Yes, Marge, there's still the matter of -- Marge...
• Education is what you get when your father sends you to college.
  The education process is not complete until you send your son there....
• WHY GOD WILL NEVER GET TENURE AT ANY UNIVERSITY 1. Only published one book.
  2. It was in Hebrew. 3. It had no references. 4. He did not publish it in referenced journals....
• Homer: You're home safe. Done my duty. See you the next time we need your signature.
  Abe: Aw, you never want to spend any time with me....
• Daddy, Daddy, make Santa Claus go away! I can't, so
  he's grown too powerful. HO HO HO!...
• A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the family dog, Old Blue with him, for company.
  He's only been there a few weeks when he gets a call from his girlfriend...
• Marge: But on the other hand, when you don't take advantage of an opportunity, you can end up regretting it for the rest of your life.
  Homer: You're right, Marge. Just like the time I could have met Mr....
• Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old he will not depart from it.
  -- Proverbs 22:6...