Related:

• Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things, with all due respect for their breakfast.
  I wonder why it is that toast always falls on the buttered side," said one....
• You say you're supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing.
  Nonsense. I don't have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist....
• Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through.
• You know you should be swimming when . . . The lobsters all cluster on your side when you're walking past their tank.
• Marge: Homer! Bart! Maggie! Company eating rules.
  Homer: [burps] Oh, right. [everyone eats all delicate, like] Ba...
• No matter which side of an argument you're on, you always find some people on your side that you wish were on the other side.
  -- Jascha Heifetz...
• I have five dollars for each of you. -- Bernhard Goetz
• You don't go out and kick a mad dog. If you have a mad dog with rabies, you take a gun and shoot him.
  -- Pat Robertson, TV Evangelist, about Muammar Kadhafy...
• You have two choices for dinner: Take it or Leave it.